I Lost My Granny in the Supermarket

  Books by Jo Simmons

  I Swapped My Brother on the Internet

  The Dodo Made Me Do It

  My Parents Cancelled My Birthday

  I Stole My Genius Sister’s Brain

  I Lost My Granny in the Supermarket

  For Lyn, the grooviest granny of all

  CHAPTER ONE

  ‘Mum!’ Harry shouted. ‘Primrose and Daisy are in the garden.’

  Harry spotted them from his seat at the kitchen table, where he was eating breakfast. Primrose and Daisy were next door’s goats.

  Only they weren’t next door any more. They had broken into Harry’s garden and were devouring his mum’s flowers.

  From upstairs, Harry heard a screech from his mum.

  ‘Get ready,’ he said to Kerry, his teenage sister, who was sitting opposite.

  Mum raced into the kitchen, grabbed a saucepan and a wooden spoon and, banging the two together, steamed out into the garden, her skirt billowing around her. Harry imagined her as some sort of rubbish superhero. Pan Woman–Goat Nemesis!

  Harry and Kerry carried on spooning cereal into their mouths, while their mum raced after the goats, shouting, ‘Get out of it, you filthy animals!’

  ‘She shouldn’t talk to them like that,’ Harry muttered. ‘Goats have feelings too.’

  Eventually, after Primrose had butted Mum and Daisy had eaten a tea towel off the washing line, Mum managed to herd the animals back into the neighbouring garden.

  ‘This is going to be my fault, isn’t it? I can tell by the way she’s walking. That’s the “I need to speak to Harry about this” walk,’ Harry said, as his mum stomped back towards the house.

  ‘Oh yeah, it’s totally that walk and I think it’s also that frown. The one that comes before Mum says “If only you had never let the goats in”,’ Kerry added. ‘Wait for it …’

  Mum slammed the back door.

  ‘Those stinking goats! If only you had never let them in that time, Harry,’ she fumed.

  ‘Told you! There it is!’ Kerry said, grinning like she’d just won a chocolate cake in a raffle.

  ‘That was months ago, Mum, and it was an accident,’ Harry protested. ‘I was just practising kick-boxing, but because my legs are so long, I accidentally kicked a hole in the fence and the goats got in. How many times do I have to say sorry?’

  ‘A million times? Five million?’ Kerry said.

  ‘Be quiet, Kerry,’ Mum snapped. ‘The point is, Harry, those goats have been breaking into my garden ever since you broke the fence. It was completely irresponsible of you! They are trampling my flower beds, eating my roses and leaving goat droppings all over the place. And I don’t like the way they look at me. They’ve got funny eyes.’

  ‘It’s their rectangular pupils,’ Harry explained. ‘It allows them to see danger approaching from all angles.’

  ‘Like a woman with a pan and a wooden spoon?’ Kerry suggested.

  Harry laughed and then stopped, quickly, when he saw his mum staring sternly at him.

  ‘Sorry, Mum,’ Harry said. ‘Sorry for the goats getting in. Sorry for being so tall that I broke the fence. Sorry.’

  Harry was eleven, but as tall as a very tall adult. To his friends he was Harry the Hulk, but unlike the actual Hulk, who went green, exploded out of his shirt and smashed things up, Harry was kind and easy-going.

  He loved animals (and knew a lot about them).

  He loved hanging out with his friends.

  He loved muffins and milkshakes.

  He loved dressing up in outrageous outfits (and he was pretty good at designing them, too).

  Basically, a fancy-dress party with his mates and added penguins, pandas, meerkats and milky drinks was his idea of heaven.

  ‘Where’s Mini?’ Mum asked, after she had sat down at the kitchen table.

  Mini was Harry’s granny. Everyone called her Mini. Not Gran or Mum – always Mini.

  Unlike Harry, Mini was small, as her nickname suggested. Also unlike Harry, who sometimes felt embarrassed about his height, Mini couldn’t have cared less about being short. She marched around like she was the very tiny boss of all things.

  ‘She’s in the shower,’ said Harry, pointing to the bathroom above with his spoon.

  ‘She’s not supposed to be in the shower,’ Mum screeched, leaping up. ‘No one’s supposed to be in the shower. It leaks, remember?’

  At that exact moment, a drop of water splashed on Harry’s head.

  Another bounced off the table.

  Then another splashed into Kerry’s cereal bowl.

  Then – WHOOSH! – water began pouring down the walls and streaming out of the light fittings.

  Mum raced upstairs.

  ‘Today we can expect sudden downpours in the kitchen,’ said Harry, laughing, ‘with occasional outbreaks of swearing from Mum. It will be drier later, once Mini gets out of the shower.’

  Kerry kicked water at Harry, who laughed as he dodged out of the way.

  Upstairs, Mum was hammering on the bathroom door, roaring at Mini to turn the shower off. But Mini, as well as being small, was slightly deaf. She didn’t hear.

  More water flooded down. Soon the kitchen floor looked like the shallow end of the leisure centre pool, minus the toddlers in armbands.

  Harry and Kerry sprinted upstairs and began pounding on the bathroom door, too. Eventually, the shower went quiet and the door opened.

  Mini appeared wearing a fluffy orange dressing gown, her curly white hair hidden beneath a bright pink shower cap.

  ‘Oh, wasn’t expecting to find you three standing there,’ she said. ‘Have you got nothing better to do?’

  ‘You flooded the kitchen, Mini, when you had your shower,’ Harry explained. ‘It’s like a fish pond down there. Or a tiny lake. Or a very big puddle. It’s really wet!’

  ‘I see,’ said Mini. ‘Well, I wouldn’t stand around chatting then. You better get downstairs and sort it out.’

  CHAPTER TWO

  Back in the kitchen, the water had stopped pouring down the walls, but it was now pretty deep. A hamster would have had to do doggy-paddle in it – that’s how deep.

  ‘Take these brooms and start sloshing it out of the back door,’ said Mum. ‘I’ll call the plumber.’

  Harry and Kerry did as they were told, shunting small tidal waves of water across the kitchen floor and on to the patio outside.

  Then Mum appeared in the doorway, frowning.

  ‘The plumber can’t come until five p.m. and it’s going to take ages to get all this water out,’ she said. ‘One of you will have to take Mini to the awards.’

  ‘What awards?’ asked Harry.

  ‘The Caught Short Awards,’ Mum said.

  ‘It’s the biggest annual loo-roll award ceremony in the country,’ Kerry explained. ‘Mini’s getting the Lifetime Achievement Award.’

  ‘That’s why she’s staying with us,’ said Mum. ‘Keep up, Harry! That’s also why I have the day off work. I was going to treat her: take her shopping for a new outfit, take her to the hairdresser’s and then go to the awards, but I can’t now. Not with all this mess to sort out.’

  ‘Before you ask, I can’t do it,’ said Kerry. ‘I’m going into town with my friends.’

  ‘Harry, you’ll have to do it,’ said Mum. ‘There’s no one else.’

  ‘But I’m meeting up with Keith and Jonny and Tom today,’ Harry protested. ‘I’ve hardly seen them lately. I’ve been too busy earning puppy points.’

  And … STOP!

  Let’s just pause the story here for a second, readers, because I’ve got a feeling you’re sitting there thinking, what in the name of savoury waffles are puppy points. Am I right? I knew it. Well
, make yourselves comfy and I’ll explain. Here we go …

  Harry desperately wanted a dog, but because of his not-great-so-far track record with animals (see the following list of Harry’s animal bungles and blunders), Mum didn’t believe he was responsible enough to look after a dog.

  HARRY’S ANIMAL BUNGLES AND BLUNDERS:

  •Breaking the fence while practising kick-boxing so that Primrose and Daisy got in

  •Losing the school gerbil under the floorboards for three whole days

  •Letting his stick insects escape (they were still showing up all around the house now – in Kerry’s sock drawer, on the remote control, swinging on the bathroom light pull)

  •Being trampled by a lamb on a farm visit

  •Getting a woodlouse stuck down his trouser leg

  •Having his chips stolen by a seagull on a trip to the seaside

  •Losing control of Uncle Steve’s dog, Major (read on for details)

  So, Mum invented puppy points. Harry could show how responsible he was by doing loads of boring jobs around the house and earning points for each one.

  Jobs like these:

  PUPPY POINTS – JOBS

  Cleaning the sink – two points

  Making all the beds – one point

  Vacuuming the stairs – two points

  Loading/unloading the dishwasher – one point

  Once Harry had earned five hundred points, Mum said he would have proved that he was ready to have his own puppy.

  So that’s the low-down on puppy points and hopefully that all makes sense now. It does? Wonderful! Let’s get back to the story, then.

  ‘Taking Mini to the awards is a good chance for you to earn some more puppy points,’ said Mum.

  ‘How many?’ Harry asked.

  ‘Let me think …’ said Mum. ‘Thirty.’

  ‘What?’ shrieked Kerry. ‘That’s not enough. Harry, stick up for yourself. You’ve got to take Mini to some awards show that will probably go on for hours, and you’re missing out on spending time with your friends. Ask for more points.’

  Mum glared at Kerry.

  Harry looked a bit worried.

  Thirty puppy points was more than he earned in a whole month sometimes. He didn’t want to say no to that, but maybe Kerry had a point.

  ‘Fifty?’ Harry suggested, unsure.

  ‘Hundred, more like,’ said Kerry. ‘Ask for a hundred!’

  ‘That’s enough, Kerry,’ said Mum. ‘Fine, Harry, you’ve got a deal. Fifty puppy points.’

  Harry whooped and did a wet, splashy dance.

  ‘But only if you get Mini to the awards, and bring her back here, with her trophy, at the end of the day. Got it?’

  ‘Got it,’ said Harry.

  ‘Don’t let me down,’ said Mum.

  ‘I absolutely won’t,’ said Harry.

  Mum left the kitchen and Harry turned to Kerry.

  ‘Fifty puppy points! This is so awesome! For taking Mini to an awards do, which will be super easy,’ he said, flicking her with a wet tea towel.

  ‘Get off!’ she yelled, attacking his feet with the broom. ‘Why do you want a dog so much anyway?’

  ‘Dogs are great,’ said Harry.

  ‘That’s it?’ said Kerry.

  ‘They’re cute and furry and always super excited to see you,’ Harry said. ‘They have big brown doggy eyes, like chocolate buttons, and soft fur and wet noses. They don’t care that I’m super tall for my age. That’s just not interesting to them, but they are really smart. I’ll be able to train my dog to do tricks like roll over, take my socks off and fetch me a KitKat. My dog will be like a best friend, who’s always there and doesn’t mind if I’m grumpy or tired. A friend I can watch TV with, even though he won’t understand what’s going on, and who will keep me company when I’m doing boring homework or off school with a cold.’

  ‘That does sound quite nice,’ Kerry admitted.

  ‘Yeah, and I’m going to design cool outfits for my dog, too. I’ve already drawn sketches for a waterproof, high-visibility reversible coat, with pockets for dog treats. I swear on all the milkshakes from here to Canada, having a dog is going to be brilliant. I’m totally ready. I just have to convince Mum.’

  ‘How many puppy points have you got already?’ Kerry asked.

  ‘Four hundred and twenty-five,’ Harry said. He didn’t have to count them. He knew. ‘If I get the fifty points today, I’m super close to the target. Only twenty-five to go.’

  ‘Wow, I totally thought you’d never do it,’ Kerry said. ‘In fact, I thought Mum had set the target deliberately high, hoping you’d give up on the idea.’

  ‘I’d never give up on getting a puppy,’ Harry said. ‘Not ever.’

  CHAPTER THREE

  Harry bounded upstairs to get dressed.

  His bedroom walls were covered in posters of animals, with one wall dedicated to dogs of all kinds. There were books about animals piled up, too:

  On a hook behind his door, hidden by his school bag, was a little red puppy collar and lead, which Harry had bought with his pocket money.

  Harry pulled on black jeans and a matching black T-shirt. Kerry said that when he wore black clothes like this, he looked like a burglar, but Harry thought it stopped him and his massive height from standing out too much.

  Back downstairs, Mum handed Harry a card with gold, swirly writing on it.

  ‘This is the invitation,’ she said. ‘The awards ceremony starts at five p.m. at the Metro Hotel, but you must get there at four thirty p.m. OK? DO NOT BE LATE. There will be loads of friends and fans there, all waiting to see Mini get the Lifetime Achievement Award. They will want selfies and autographs before the awards start.’

  ‘Fans? Selfies?’ Harry said.

  ‘Yes, your gran is a superstar in the world of loo roll,’ said his mum.

  ‘Wow,’ said Harry. ‘I did not know that.’

  Mum then passed him an appointment card for a salon called Hair Today, Bald Tomorrow.

  ‘Take Mini here for a haircut at two p.m.,’ Mum said. ‘Get some lunch and go to the department store too. She needs a new outfit. You can’t get a lifetime achievement award while wearing an old cardie. Help her choose something respectable.’

  ‘Whoa, that’s lots to do, Harry,’ Kerry said. ‘Bet you wish you’d asked for one hundred points now.’

  ‘Oh, and don’t let Mini eat any toffees,’ Mum continued. ‘Toffees make her go funny. Never let her out of your sight, either, at any time. She’s a fast walker, despite her little legs – remember that – and she sometimes gets “ideas”. Don’t let her get “ideas”.’

  ‘How will I know if she’s getting “ideas”?’ Harry asked.

  ‘Just keep an eye on her, OK?’ Mum said. ‘If you can take care of Mini, I might believe you can take care of a dog. So far, the only time I’ve seen you with a dog was when you looked after Major, Uncle Steve’s dog, for the day. He jumped out of the bathroom window and landed right on me. I was enjoying a doze in the sun on my lounger and then, wallop!’

  ‘He was excited about meeting Primrose and Daisy,’ Harry explained.

  ‘Then he also ate three pats of butter and threw up under the kitchen table!’ said Mum.

  ‘That was actually quite clever, though,’ Harry said. ‘Not the throwing-up bit, but the fact that he opened the fridge. Very few dogs can do that. Anyway, when it’s my own puppy, I’ll train it. I promise my dog won’t turn out like Major.’

  Mini came downstairs and peered into the kitchen.

  ‘Goodness, what a mess …’ she said.

  ‘Yes, and whose fault is that?’ Mum snapped.

  ‘Yours, I’d say, seeing as how your shower leaks,’ said Mini. ‘You want to get that looked at.’

  ‘You weren’t supposed to use the shower in the first place!’ Mum exploded. ‘Why couldn’t you have a nice bath instead?’

  ‘Baths are so boring,’ said Mini. ‘All that lolling about in hot water. No thanks. Anyway, why did you invite me to st
ay if your shower wasn’t working properly?’

  ‘You’re here so we could have a nice day together at the Caught Short Awards, remember?’ said Mum. ‘I was going to take you out and spoil you. A new outfit, lunch, the hairdresser’s. I wanted to choose a hat for you.’

  ‘A hat!’ snorted Mini. ‘I never wear hats, unless I’m meeting the queen.’

  ‘Have you met the queen?’ Harry asked.

  ‘Yes, of course,’ said Mini. ‘Twice.’

  She turned back to Mum.

  ‘I don’t want to go to this silly loo-roll awards thing, let alone dress up for it.’

  ‘You’re getting the Lifetime Achievement Award!’ said Mum. ‘Everyone will be celebrating your life.’

  ‘Yes, looking back at it as if it’s over. Well, it isn’t,’ said Mini firmly. ‘There’s plenty more I plan to do.’

  ‘There!’ said Mum, wagging her finger at Mini. ‘Take note, Harry. She’s having one of her “ideas”. This is how it starts. Watch out for that.’

  Harry nodded nervously.

  ‘I’m going to be stuck at home today, sorting out this flood, so Harry will take care of you,’ Mum continued.

  ‘I don’t need taking care of,’ Mini replied. ‘I’m seventy-four, not a hundred and four.’

  ‘You have a big day ahead,’ said Mum. ‘I want you to enjoy it, but you need some support. I don’t want you to get tired.’

  ‘I never get tired,’ Mini said.

  ‘Have you packed your big red scarf, in case it gets chilly?’ Mum said.

  ‘Yes, I’ve got my scarf,’ Mini sighed, rolling her eyes. ‘It’s in my bag.’

  Mini patted the huge bag over her shoulder. Harry looked at it and, not for the first time, wondered what else was in it. He liked to imagine that it contained lots of weird and unexpected things, such as: