I Lost My Granny in the Supermarket Read online

  ‘Harry, pay attention,’ Mum said, pointing at the open front door, through which Mini had just marched. ‘Don’t let her out of your sight, remember?’

  ‘Got it,’ said Harry. He yanked on his trainers and ran after her.

  CHAPTER FOUR

  Harry and Mini made an odd couple, walking down the road. Harry the Hulk, tall and lean, all dressed in black, and his white-haired granny, super short, looking completely ordinary apart from a pair of trainers that she liked to describe as ‘fresh’, and beetling along at a surprisingly rapid pace.

  They were heading off in the direction of the town centre, to shop for a new outfit for Mini. Or so Harry thought. But then, unexpectedly, Mini swerved down the road that led to the supermarket.

  ‘Just need to pick up a few things,’ she said.

  ‘But what about clothes shopping?’ Harry called after her, stopping on the pavement.

  Mini didn’t hear. She kept going and was soon quite far ahead, nearly at the supermarket car park. Mum had said Mini was a fast walker, but this was way speedier than Harry had imagined. He broke into a jog and had almost caught up with her when a huge delivery lorry pulled out in front of him and slowly rolled past.

  By the time it was gone, Mini was nowhere to be seen. How did she do that? Was she on wheels? Did she have a jetpack in her giant bag after all? ‘She must be inside already,’ Harry muttered to himself. He jogged into the supermarket.

  ‘Would you like to try one of our new goat burgers?’ said a lady standing by the entrance. She thrust a tray of tiny burgers in tiny buns towards Harry.

  He thought of Primrose and Daisy, and shuddered. Then he thought of his mum and made a mental note never to tell her that goat burgers were a thing – she might have murderous thoughts.

  ‘No thanks, I’m vegetarian,’ said Harry, dodging past her.

  Harry glanced around, looking for Mini. Where was she? He decided she must be in the bakery aisle, picking up something for breakfast – not part of the plan, but never mind, he’d soon find her and they’d be back on schedule.

  Harry followed the smell of warm bread, past the bagels, the wraps, the pittas and towards the doughnuts.

  ‘Ah, you’re nice and tall,’ said a voice. Harry looked down. A woman about the same size as Mini, but unfortunately not Mini, was peering up at him.

  ‘I want a cheese scone from that basket at the top, can you reach one for me?’ she said.

  Harry was frequently asked to do things only tall people could manage – getting Frisbees down out of trees or changing light bulbs, for instance – and people often thought he was much older, which caused confusion. He had been mistaken for a builder (and had to carry a ladder up a street), for a referee at a football match and a mime artist at a local arts festival. A man once thought Harry was a traffic warden, just because he was standing near his car, and pretty much anytime he walked through a cafe, someone assumed he was the waiter and ordered coffee from him.

  Harry picked up the tongs and grabbed a scone.

  ‘Too dark,’ said the small woman.

  ‘This one?’ said Harry.

  ‘Too pale,’ said the small woman.

  ‘This one?’

  ‘Too lumpy.’

  ‘This one?’

  ‘Too flat.’

  Harry sighed quietly. He didn’t have time for ‘operation find the perfect cheese scone’. He was supposed to be taking care of his granny and at this exact moment he didn’t even know where she was.

  ‘Maybe this?’ said Harry, starting to feel a bit stressed. It was only 9.30 a.m. and he had already lost Mini. Had he blown it? Were those puppy points gone? So soon?

  ‘Ah, yes, that one’s fine,’ said the woman, finally. She took the scone and trudged away.

  ‘You’re welcome,’ Harry muttered, and then raced off to search for Mini, diving quickly from aisle to aisle.

  Not in the pasta aisle.

  Not in the condiments aisle.

  Not by the freezers.

  Not with the fizzy drinks.

  The crisps and snacks aisle was also a Mini-free zone, but when Harry got to the loo rolls, he found a crowd of people. He moved closer and spotted his gran at the centre of it all.

  ‘So excited to meet you,’ said a man, grinning madly at Mini. ‘Can I get a selfie?’

  Mini stared crossly at his phone as he snapped the pic. A woman shook Mini’s hand and told her she was ‘an inspiration’. Another woman thrust a packet of loo rolls at Mini and begged her to sign them. Mini rummaged around in her huge bag and eventually pulled out a pen and scrawled her name. Then she pointed at Harry.

  ‘Ah, here’s my grandson, I have to go.’

  ‘Bet he’s not her grandson,’ someone in the crowd whispered. ‘Bet he’s her bodyguard. Look at the size of him!’

  Mini pushed past everyone, took Harry by the arm and walked with him towards the exit.

  ‘Handy of you to show up then and help me get away,’ she said.

  ‘Of course I showed up,’ said Harry. ‘I’ve been looking for you all over the supermarket. I’m taking care of you today, remember?’

  ‘Oh yes, well, as I said to your mother, I don’t need taking care of, so you’re free to go now, dear,’ said Mini. She smiled up at him, a bouncy smile, as her mouth moved up and down as if she was chewing something at the same time.

  ‘I promised Mum I’d stick with you,’ Harry said. ‘We have to go clothes shopping. Do you need to buy anything here, first of all?’

  ‘No, no, I’m ready to leave,’ said Mini. ‘I’ve had enough of all those people making a fuss.’

  ‘They’re your fans,’ said Harry. ‘They really love you.’

  ‘For creating a paper that people use to wipe their bottoms? It’s just loo roll! Calm down, everyone,’ Mini snorted. ‘Come on, let’s get out of here.’

  CHAPTER FIVE

  Mini and Harry walked quickly to the exit, but as soon as they passed through it … BEEP, BEEP, BEEP, BEEP.

  The alarms sounded, loud and urgent, and a large security guard wearing a high-vis waistcoat appeared.

  ‘Looks like you’ve forgotten to pay for something,’ he said.

  ‘I don’t like your tone,’ said Mini to the security guard, giving him a stern look. ‘Accusing me of stealing. I’m seventy-four, you know!’

  ‘Just doing my job,’ said the security guard.

  ‘Is your job to harass seventy-four-year-old women?’ Mini asked. ‘Shame on you!’

  A couple of shoppers looked over, curious.

  ‘Mini!’ Harry hissed. ‘Please. Keep your voice down. People are staring.’

  ‘I need to check that there are no unpaid items about your person,’ the man said. ‘This way, please.’

  He steered Mini back towards the self-checkout tills.

  ‘Mini, you shouldn’t argue with him, he could have you arrested,’ Harry whispered to her.

  ‘No one’s going to arrest me, dear,’ said Mini. ‘They wouldn’t dare.’

  Then Harry noticed her jaws moving again.

  ‘Wait, you’re chewing, aren’t you? I thought you were. What are you eating?’ he asked. ‘It better not be toffees. Mum said you’re not allowed to have toffees.’

  ‘What was that? I didn’t hear you,’ said Mini, pointing at her ears. ‘I am quite deaf, you know.’

  The security guard stopped next to a till.

  ‘Right, let’s see what’s inside this giant bag of yours, madam,’ he said.

  Mini plonked her bag down and began pulling things out.

  The big red scarf.

  ‘Unexpected item in the bagging area,’ said the till.

  A lasso.

  ‘Unexpected item in the bagging area.’

  A telescope.

  ‘Unexpected item in the bagging area.’

  ‘See, nothing unusual, Officer,’ said Mini. ‘Exactly what you’d expect to find in a seventy-four-year-old woman’s handbag.’

  A whistle on a fluorescent-yellow string.

  An egg whisk.

  Three mittens.

  Gold spray paint.

  A tin can labelled Pocket Fog.

  A table-tennis bat.

  Two chopsticks.

  Some kind of small wooden flute.

  ‘What’s that?’ the security guard asked.

  ‘A pungi,’ said Mini. ‘They say you can charm snakes with it, but I’ve never been able to get a decent note out of it.’

  ‘Unexpected item in the bagging area.’

  Then Mini pulled out a wad of maps and leaflets for local attractions:

  Chesney’s Cheese Maze

  The Cowpat Museum

  Britain’s Tiniest Zoo (‘Come and Pet our Ladybirds!’)

  The local theme park, called Fun Valley Adventure Resort.

  Next:

  A flask of water.

  A book about knots.

  A penknife.

  A postcard of the queen – ‘Such a sweetie,’ Mini said, gazing at it for a second.

  Then lastly, a homemade pork pie.

  ‘Unexpected item in the bagging area,’ the till chanted again and again, until the security guard tapped some buttons to shut it up.

  Harry was amazed. He had often dreamed that Mini had crazy things in her huge handbag, and now, right here in the supermarket, he discovered that she actually did.

  The security guard looked baffled.

  ‘OK, OK, I’ve seen enough,’ he said. ‘You seem to have everything but the kitchen sink in there, but nothing that’s stolen.’

  ‘I told you so,’ said Mini. ‘Now, how about apologising?’

  ‘What?’ said the security guard, sounding surprised.

  ‘Mini!’ Harry said, blushing the colour of salami.

  ‘Apologise. You
know – say sorry,’ she repeated.

  The security guard fidgeted awkwardly on the spot and rubbed his neck.

  ‘I think the alarm was probably faulty, that’s all,’ he said. ‘I’ll get it checked out.’

  ‘I’m not leaving until you say sorry,’ said Mini. ‘One little word.’

  Harry noticed a crowd of shoppers watching them now, some grinning, some just staring. He cringed and looked at his feet. He hated standing out like this. His cheeks burned even redder, going from salami to tandoori chicken.

  The security guard was quiet for a moment, then muttered, ‘Sorry.’

  ‘Tiny bit louder,’ said Mini. ‘I am quite deaf, you know.’

  ‘Sorry,’ said the security guard, louder this time.

  ‘There we are,’ said Mini. ‘Wasn’t so hard, was it?’

  Mini tumbled all her stuff back into her bag and trotted towards the exit with the security guard trailing sheepishly behind.

  Harry followed, still painfully aware of people staring at him and wishing he could magically shrink down to the size of a beetle and skitter away. Fat chance. Harry’s height made him super visible, like a giraffe surrounded by zebras. All he could do was put his head down and will his cheeks to go from tandoori chicken to a less bright shade. Maybe ham? Or even salmon?

  At the exit, Mini turned and shook the security guard’s hand.

  ‘Better luck next time,’ she said, and then Harry noticed something. A look in Mini’s eye. No, not a look, a twinkle. A definite twinkle. Was she having one of her ‘ideas’ that Mum had warned him about? Then she bombed through the doors, as fast as her size-three trainers would carry her, and …

  BEEP, BEEP, BEEP, BEEP.

  The security alarms shrieked into life.

  ‘Hey, get back here,’ shouted the security guard.

  ‘Mini!’ shouted Harry. ‘You’ve been eating toffees, haven’t you? Stolen toffees? I knew it!’

  Mini whipped a packet of toffees out of her coat pocket and waved them in the air gleefully, but she didn’t stop. She was off, speeding through the car park, with the security guard running behind.

  Harry followed, too shocked to care about people staring at him now. He was supposed to be spending the day with his granny, but already – this! She was on the run!

  As Harry raced to catch up, he saw Mini reach into her bag and pull out the lasso. No! What? She wasn’t going to … ? She wouldn’t dare … ? Did she even know … ?

  Harry watched, hand over his mouth, as Mini whirled the lasso round and round above her head and let it fly.

  It looped perfectly around a trolley, which, with one flick, Mini sent spinning into the security guard’s path.

  ‘Where did she learn to do that?’

  Harry gasped as the security guard tumbled and stumbled and then heaved the trolley out of the way, and started running after her again.

  Mini, still moving fast, reached into her bag again and this time …

  Something solid and brown flew through the air and bounced off the security guard’s head.

  OOF!

  He stopped in his tracks, clutching his forehead.

  ‘That wasn’t the pork pie, was it?’ Harry said. He spotted a large chunk of pastry stuck to the security guard’s right eyebrow. By all the muffins of Tuesday! It was the pork pie.

  Harry pulled his eyes away from the security guard, who was wiping his forehead with a hanky, and turned to look for his granny. Where was she now? He glanced this way and that, and then saw a small figure with bright white hair.

  The figure was no longer running, though. It was standing on the back of the huge delivery lorry Harry had seen on his way in. It was holding on to its rear doors with one hand and waving with the other as the lorry swooped out of the car park and drove away.

  ‘Mini!’ Harry yelled. ‘Come back!’

  No chance. She was gone.

  CHAPTER SIX

  Harry checked his watch: 10.30 a.m. He had only left the house an hour ago and already he had lost his granny.

  She had stolen toffees from the supermarket.

  She had pork-pied a security guard.

  She had escaped on the back of a lorry.

  This was not the way to win fifty puppy points.

  ‘I have to find her,’ Harry muttered, but he had no idea where to start. The lorry could be miles away now. He decided to run back into town and check the park.

  Grans like parks, don’t they?

  Not this one. There was no sign of her.

  Harry popped into the cafe, where Bruce, the owner, was buttering a tower of white bread slices.

  ‘Have you seen my granny?’ Harry asked. ‘Did she come in for breakfast?’

  ‘These are the only customers I’ve had today,’ Bruce replied, pointing at a table of five nuns. The nuns looked round and waved at Bruce.

  ‘The sisters love their bacon sandwiches,’ Bruce said, waving back.

  Harry went outside again and, unsure what to do, sat down on a bench to think. Where could Mini be?

  ‘You’re late,’ said a familiar voice. It was Keith.

  ‘Yes, you are late,’ said Jonny and Tom, standing next to him – all Harry’s friends. They had been waiting for him to arrive.

  ‘It’s because of my granny,’ blurted Harry. ‘I’ve got to find her. I’m supposed to get her to an awards do starting at four thirty p.m.’

  ‘But we are meant to be hanging out today,’ said Tom.

  ‘I know, I know,’ said Harry. ‘Things have changed. Sorry. My mum said I could have fifty puppy points if I looked after my granny today, but she disappeared on the back of a lorry and now I’ve lost her.’

  ‘Oh yeah, still saving up for a puppy,’ Jonny said. ‘Do you never give up on that?’

  ‘No, why would I?’ said Harry.

  Keith took the pump off his bike, put it into his armpit and slowly pushed air in, creating a whistling sound that ended in a ripply grunt.

  ‘Have you tried calling her?’ Keith suggested.

  ‘She doesn’t have a mobile phone,’ Harry said. ‘She’s got a lot of stuff in her handbag, that’s for sure, but not a phone.’

  Harry put his head in his hands.

  ‘I can’t believe I’ve lost Mini,’ he sighed. ‘The exact opposite of what I was supposed to do.’

  ‘You haven’t lost her,’ said Tom. ‘She chose to disappear. It’s not your fault. She’s doing what she wants, which is fine. She’s a grown-up woman.’

  ‘A very small grown-up woman,’ Harry said.

  ‘You know what I mean,’ said Tom. ‘She’s an adult. She can take care of herself.’

  ‘I promised Mum, though,’ said Harry. ‘And fifty puppy points is loads if I can pull it off. Then it’s only twenty-five to go. I could have a dog by the end of the summer holidays.’

  Keith pumped more air into his armpit, producing a wave of guffy ripples.

  ‘I just need to find her, but how?’ Harry asked.

  ‘Simple,’ said Keith. ‘I’ve watched enough episodes of Meet & Tuveg, the best detective show ever, to know that when you have a missing person, you don’t run about all over town in a panic. You think. You get into the mind of the person you’re tracking. Build a character profile. What kind of person is your granny?’

  ‘A granny sort of person,’ said Harry.

  ‘Small.

  White hair.

  Bit deaf.

  Seventy-four.

  Used to work with loo roll.

  Flooded the kitchen by having a shower when she knew the shower was leaky.

  Just stole a bag of toffees from the supermarket.’

  ‘So all that tells you she doesn’t play by the rules,’ said Keith. ‘She does things her way. This is good.’

  ‘Is it?’ Harry asked.

  ‘Now, think about where she might go,’ Keith continued. ‘Where has she always wanted to go? Where would she feel happy?’

  Harry thought hard. Mini hadn’t wanted to go and buy a new outfit, she wanted to go to the supermarket for toffees that she wasn’t supposed to eat and didn’t pay for. Then she escaped on a lorry. This was quite full-on.

  Suddenly, it seemed obvious that going to a garden centre or the bingo would not be top of Mini’s list. Too boring. She’d want to go somewhere far more exciting.